By Shad Getz
If you remember the early nineties, before the bottom fell out of society, you’ll remember that for a brief stint The Simpsons was the most controversial show on television. As the show and its audience have aged, The Simpsons has been lauded by all but the most regressive critics for its sympathetic satire of hypocrisy in modern American culture. But as time passed it became apparent the show was losing much of it’s former edge; looking back now after Nicki Minaj has asked us to take her to the best ass-eater, and Cartman made Scott Tenorman eat his parents, the Simpsons, with it’s focus on a family that if doing nothing else right still loves each other, seems explicitly corny. But that is not what’s really how The Simpsons became neutered. Rather, The Simpsons has succumbed to the most insidious form of castration possible – widespread acceptance. Simply put, it’s hard to be transgressive when you have yourself become part of the established order.

If anybody is worried about this (does anyone not care about anything anymore?), worry not; because The Simpsons also reside in an alternative universe that, whatever else happens, is pretty much guaranteed never to be well liked by more than a handful of what must certainly be some of the least influential people in the world. Yes, I am talking about a GIF of an oddly muscular Marge riding a sybian.DISCLAIMER – if you, like me, grew up watching 9 episodes of The Simpsons a week for five or six years, watching them have sex might make you feel a little grubby, something like how you might if you were to spy on your spiky-haired sister getting fucked by your fat, bald father through a hole in the wall, a little shabby about yourself. In fact, because Lisa is a fictional 8-year-old, I don’t even feel like writing about her anymore.
Bart was the closest The Simpsons ever came to having one single character obtain cultural-icon status. In the early nineties he was the avatar for every preteen Gen-X’er. But Bart is fortunate in ways that we’re not; he will always be ten years old. So what about the boys who grew up with Bart as their hero, hid their boners all the way through puberty, and have since outgrown their generational affiliation with a cartoon character? What are they thinking? Freud’s money is that they want to do disgusting things to Marge, and, like the saying goes, the proof is on http://simpsons-porn.cartoon-pussy.com

There’s definitely something uncanny about watching Marge suck Flanders’ dick in front of that brown couch, while a poorly drawn Homer smacks his forehead in astonishment, most of which derives from the animation and voice-work which lands just far enough off the mark to be a recognizable imitation. But no doubt there is something more. Turning once again to Freud, we find that his definition uncanny is the homelike, the heimlich, become unhomelike, unheimlich; and there is definitely something very unheimlich in this dirty, dick-sucking Simpsons home. In fact, it might be more extreme than looking at a real picture of incest. The odds are you’ll have to assume the incest in a picture of people you don’t know, but the odds are you know The Simpsons very well. Too well indeed.

Rereading that last sentence, it occurs to me that my pre-existing relationship with the simpsons might be affecting the neutrality of my judgement: The Simpsons and I were made to be friends, not lovers. I don’t want to be judgemental about all cartoon/porn adaptations, in fact, I’ll say something everybody’s been thinking for the past 50 years, Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone are almost irresponsibly hot, which makes sense when you consider they were created as Mad Men-era cartoons of the perfect wife – and who wouldn’t want to see Wilma getting Eiffel-Towered by two non-human primates, while cuckolded Fred looks on?
And yes, the Jetsons and Flintstones are committing incest, fucking dogs, children, dinosaurs and robots. Do I care? Not especially. What is kind of fucked up that they let the Astro the Dog get his dick sucked by Judy Jetson but don’t let Rosie the Robot meet a handsome single Fucking Machine of her own.
The obvious shortcoming of this whole endeavor is the fact that these cartoons aren’t very arousing, mostly because of the quality of animation. Well, I’m sorry to say, but unless you were fortunate enough to grow up on Sailor Moon, it’s slim pickings when it comes to jacking off to your childhood memories. If you’re going to blame anything, blame capitalism; the free-market alone cannot support high-quality pornographic animations of classic Americana – and it rightly deserves a subsidy. If I may quote an older relative on a similar issue, “The Goddam Japs are beating our fricking pants off across the board.”

So, After miserably wading your way through a panopticon of your earliest fictional relations getting sodomized, you’re relieved to find something that doesn’t make you curl up in the corner, cry, and rub your feces against the stark white walls. Ms. Krabappel, one of the few Simpsons characters that actually has a sexual presence in the real version of the show, getting glory-holed by Bart fits our more traditional narratives of sexual attraction, and watching it I feel that there might one day be hope that I can get a boner again.
Finally, I never thought I’d see the day when I found this wholesome and consoling. Who knows, maybe the pay-site stuff is better for your psyche. But while my life may not be working out exactly as planned, I’m still not ready to shell out the 39.95 for a month of VIP access to drawn-sex.com

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